Through the ups and downs of life,the scale and emotions,I share with you my stories as a form of therapy and as a way to help remove stigmas associated with trying to live up to social expectations of being perfect.I will not ever promise to be perfect but I will promise to share candidly my journeys of learning how to be healthy in an unhealthy world.
I started my blog for two reasons;
1. To hold me accountable and to help me professionally
2. I started taking pictures of all my meals and the progress pictures and blogging bout them,which kept me on track and helped me connect with other supportive,health focused people.
I am glad I had good results because the process are crazy and right now I really need the lift and the motivation to keep on track and fight for good choices when there are so many temptations.
Today, I am going to talk about my views on school pinafore.
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| If you have seen me wearing this before,now you know how hard I have fought. |
School girls around my age back then always looked nice and cute in their school pinafore but except my case.Wearing school pinafore was my worst nightmare especially when it comes to the day when I had to attend tuition right after school.People would give me 'a kind of look'. I have always loved meeting new people,making new friends but unfortunately,my size has automatically stopped things like that to happen. I loved going to school but the thought of wearing pinafore always seemed like I just got hit by a big truck. The zip and buckle on my pinafore looked like they were about to burst anytime and what's even sadder is, it did burst when I was in form five. It was so tight but I did not have intention to get a new one because I wanted to push myself to lose weight but I failed terribly.I did not lose any but I gained more. My friends know how horrible I used to stuff myself with food.
You may not understand how being mentally bullied feels like cos I have experienced that and that's horrible. I think I should really thank my parents for sending me to a all girls school,at least from there it gets to reduce the level of embarrassment to the lowest and I did not get 'bullied' much about my size.
There is always a war going on inside my body,a war of signals,a war between strength and weakness.
And now,I'm bringing you the best of my worst pictures for added entertainment value.
As you can seen from the picture above,
TOP : I was trying to be cute but.... if it was a normal girl doing that,it would be fine but because I am so FAT/HUGE in this picture,I automatically look ridiculous.
BELOW : After three years of battling with my weight, I gained back a little bit confidence by putting a big smile on my face and I hope it's not horrible. ( I know it is)
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| I can't believe the pinafore I used to hate looks so big on me now. |
Now,when it comes to the second picture, what do you have to say? Honestly, I got excited to share my progress with you all. I shrank into a smaller size not to "preserve and decency" but because I thought the visual disparities would be more immediate to the eye this way. I'm displaying unflattering photos on myself for the world to scrutinise and criticise on the internet but hey, i do not give a damn on it anymore. I think I have reached the point where my physique is no secret or big deal, it is what it is and no matter anybody says about me (omg , look at ccy's ass so fat,so big,yuck,like a mother of cow,omg have you seen her wearing her school pinafore? like an 'oink' ) well, it it not going to faze me in the slightest. Yes, I do not say I am completely slim and fit but compared to who I used to be, I feel a little proud of myself.
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| Same pinafore (clipped ),same girl but I feel brand new, happier and stronger. |
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| Compared to the left side of the above picture...... |
I guess my weight is matter-of-fact thing to me right now and I am so thankful that I can feel rational about it because the worst feeling I have felt , is knowing that you are not in the shape and that you are horribly unhealthy yet feeling absolutely no resolution to do anything about it. Then letting people's daggers of insults mercilessly rip you apart again and again.I know exactly how it feels like because whenever I tell people my heaviest weight was 98kg at one point in time, their jaw dropped and their eyes go bigger, like a goldfish.I was not in the overweight category but in the obese class two where my BMI scale reached 42 !
You should not let yourself become too caught up with being ashamed of your obesity as long as you are trying to work towards a solution.Everyone's got their own problems.You should embrace it like a real mental issue which results in physical consequences,such as anorexia and depression. People often laugh at fat people all the time and think they are just greedy pigs who eat too much without exercising enough.
Making assumption is like saying anorexia only happens to bimbos who are so obsessed with vanity they do not know how to differentiate skinny and malnutrition.I have been both depressed and obese before.It's unfair to make such sweeping statements about a condition you have not been through yourself. If you have been through that shit, you won't be so quick to judge others for it. You would never understand those tough battles.
I love food and food loves me so much that it wants to stay on my hips forever. I think the reason why I gained so much weight is because I was too uninspired to do anything about my horizontally expanding figure.In a way,I wanted to just be fat and happy. Now I realise, fat and happy are two words that are nearly impossible to use in the same sentence. If you want something enough,you will make time for it to work out.If you look good,you feel good.It is just the way it is.It is not about being superficial and it is about being realistic.Being really overweight to me is like having oily messy engrossed hair that's full of dandruff,bad breath or body odour.These are things that are considered universally undesirable or unattractive not because everyone's a judgemental on a pedestal.
Everyone wants to be with someone who is healthy,someone they can feel good around.I used to think that I was pretty and cute (biggest joke ever)
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| I'm feeling a lot more confident,happy and healthy these days.And I have more friends than before. |
I am still flabby and thick of course. If you touch my stomach,arms and thighs,they jiggle like jelly.I am definitely not toned nor close to ideal physique still,which I would really some day like to be,after I work all these fats off. However long it takes, I hope,prey and would like to believe, some day I will get there.
For now,I do feel rather pleased with myself,for I know I have come from an obese class two to being a few kg away from being in an ideal weight category. I have so many people to thank for this. I can't say I could have done this all by myself without them.That would be a lie.When I faltered,they stuck by me and encouraged me the whole time,always pushing me along when I needed the most motivation.
I have never been one to use diet drugs or drastic diet fads. I support being at a healthy and happy weight. I hope whoever comes across this page and decides to stay and join me on my weight loss journey can benefit from my successes and failures.Please feel free to give me tips,advice,questions,comments and etc.
I may not be a role model to you,by the way, I can be your companion.I shine the light on the path and we struggle along together.I keep the tone to my page very lighthearted because trying to eat right and stay fit can put a lot of pressure on a person.If you can learn to laugh through your journey,it relieves some of the stress and it can help you stay more in control.
Losing weight and being healthy is not always glamorous and I pride myself in being able to share what it is really like.
I want readers to leave this page informed,inspired and a little bit giggly.
P/s : Here's a big hug to whoever of you who has left me some nice words,thank you very much! :*
Lots of love,
ChingYee.
