I Was Obese & Antisocial Part ll

Right now, I think my only happiness is losing weight.

Now where's all the positivity. ( from the previous post )

Did you know that lonely people are actually interesting because they process so much knowledge?

1. I started blogging to speak my mind. This turned out pretty well since it taught me how to code and how to write so that I can captivate people emotionally.
2. I set goals where I told myself that I would be as fit as genetically possible.
3. I concentrated on having better skin care, facial appointments, quality hair products, dyed my hair, anything that is going to improve my looks. But just too bad, I have no style or sense of fashion. 
4. I got good grades in my 3-year diploma program. I have worked really hard. My hard-work paid off.

I have achieved all these things because I wanted to add value to my life. I wanted to be someone important. Often times, people do not see what I have been through to know why I am very determined. They just think that I got lucky or something. If you truly read all the way down here, you can clearly see it has nothing to do with luck. My motivation and determination is what built my success.

It feels good to be called "pretty" but it brought into light how different people perceive beauty in different ways. I for one, never believed that I was ugly or pretty at any point go my life, yes I was huge and I did not look like I do today but I was as comfortable in my own skin than as I am now, and I guess that's what matters the most. The world is a reflection of your own, if you think you are happy, everybody thinks you are happy. I have always believed that your face, your body are temporary things in life and a day will come when they will wither away, because of age if not nothing else, but your personality, the person you are within that stays with you forever till the end of your time. As the saying goes , " a pretty face is nothing with an ugly heart".

So, while people are spending a lot of time trying to be beautiful from the outside, I think what they should be doing is try and be beautiful inside. Having said all that, I would like to acknowledge the fact that this physical change in me has indeed changed me a bit in some ways. In the positive way, I am more confident these days, I can talk to strangers with more ease than I ever used to do before.

I have become a fitness conscious person and I have begun to take good care of my health, more importantly, I realised the importance of physical exercise and healthiness eating habits which will help me in the long run.

In the negative way, I am more apprehensive about the people in my life now, when I was fat and "ugly", I had fewer people in my life but I was always confident that they love me for who I am and not how I look. As for people's reactions, they have always been pleasant and motivating. They keep asking me for tips to lose weight and it really feels good that somebody is being inspired by me. 

And mainly I earned respect from people who used to tease me.

Invest in yourself. You can afford it. Trust me.

 Have a nice day!

Lots of love,

ChingYee.

I Was Obese & Antisocial

Hey guys, I'm finally back to this place again.I have been overweight since 5 years old and it got worse as days passed by. Back then, food was one of my means to enjoy life if nothing else was going for me. My social interaction definitely lacked big time growing up since I spent most of my time on the computer every day.It was pure isolation and I remember my parents being extremely worried about my health.

From unattractive to attractive.Now I'm not saying this because I think I am. I'm saying this simply because I have heard it enough times.Yes, I had to hear it "enough times" to really believe it. Nevertheless,it feels pretty damn great to hear that I'm no longer repulsive looking.

You must be wondering how does this all feel to me.Very honest, it's very euphoric. I have a hard time believing that because let say, if you threw someone in a society that was a lot different from what they are used to believing in,they are going to have a hard time adjusting to the norms.My life acted in a way that was like an "off-on switch". I had no clue how to respond to it.I started getting attention and opportunities that I did not know how to act upon.

I went through a lot of physical changes but I think the strangest thing to adjust to was not my body but how differently people began to treat me. After a decade of being poked fun at , it was almost surreal.The bullying faded away.Suddenly,people stopped laughing at me. Pretty girls I had never imagined approaching me before wanted to be my friend and boys started to talk to me. I cultivated a social sphere for the first time in my life. To me, in this society, look does matter.Whoever says it doesn't , it's a simply plain lie. I have been through that and that's the cold harsh truth you got to accept.

I really did not have much experience with socialising in the beginning. I can be very socially awkward at times since I failed to pick up social cues correctly. Let's not forget, I used to look unapproachable no matter how many smiles I gave.It is,however,a lot better today.

Through this transformation I came to realise that people treat others drastically different depending on how they look.Sometimes just thinking about the stark contrasts of treatment makes me sad.I always hoped there was some deeper meaning to attraction and maybe even how friends would approach one another, but I found that to be untrue.Not to say that attraction is purely based on personality doesn't exist or that genuine love and friendship do not exist, I have just realised to how much you have to look attractive just to be given a chance at some things.

When I was in high school,I was never asked out. I was never approached by anyone , except for some close friends/classmates. I realised that men do not even care to talk to you as friend if you are not moderately attractive ( at least high school aged "men"). Maybe that's a bit of blanket statement but it was definitely my experience. I was far from attractive or completely charming, but I would say that I was worth having as a friend.

Also this may sound funny, since I have been single, I have had several friends try to come in contact me. With this being said,it hasn't changed me and I do not take these people seriously because I understand that these people DON'T really care about me. I know they won't be there to look the 50 or 60 year old me in the eye and tell me how beautiful my spirit,attitude and courage is to them.I don't think about "using" looks as much as I think about treating people kindly despite how they may look. I do,however,believe this is an advantage because since I have experienced genuine kindness, I have realised I know how to spot it out in my own relationships as well as share it with others.

I noticed quite a few changes in my lifestyle and how people treated me. This may just sound specific to me but these were the big changes in my life . Making friends have become a lot easier. I started getting invited to a lot of events and activities. I felt like socialising and going to events was the "cool" thing to do and the thing I should do and take advantage of.Other girls ask me about and pay a lot of attention to my lifestyle.This is weird.

I still can't actually remember how huge I used to look like until I made a comparison of myself back then and now. I still keep thinking of myself looking like I did in high school. Even in a lot of my dreams, I still appear like that girl (left, in the picture below)

Left : When I was in high school .
Right : Now. I know I still have unwanted fats around my body.I know I still have far to go.

Now where's all the positivity! Being that I had a lot of alone time to myself,I read up on a lot of interesting stuff on just about anything, got new hobbies, improved on myself and developed a few skills. I'll list them out real soon. Real soon.

To be continued.............

Stay tuned !

Lots of love,

ChingYee.

My 3rd Weight Loss Anniversary

Yes,I have been on this weight-loss journey for three years and I'm still going on and I hope I reach my goal/destination soon. I did not expect I would have come this far. I used to weigh 98kg. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I never,ever exercised.Now I have lost more than half my body weight.Today, I am fit enough to run (though I usually choose not to. hahaha) and fit enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into slim fit jeans/pants ( though I usually wear super stretchy clothes). You might think that when I reflect on my 98kg self,it would be with disdain or pity. But, NO! As the days passed by,I really miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away.It may sound strange to some, but in this post,I include the reasons why I miss about my old obese self. 

Living as a big girl in a skinny world is extremely difficult. Being a food lover,weight loss has always been challenging. It took a lot effort and commitment to lose weight. I have always been big size and that's okay. However, the bullying I have experienced as a result of my size has really taken a toll on my confidence.Over the years, I have learned to ignore the bullies and love my body but for some reason.One thing was clear, I had hit rock bottom and was in the worst place of my life that I could remember. 

Fast forward to three years to where I am today. My pain (the bullies) has been educational. I feel things that are unfamiliar perhaps and likely that is why the experience is so scary and unsettling but I know much more about myself now than I ever did before. 

Yes,my heart is broken,but in the process my mind opens,my feelings come out and even my spirituality awakens.Personally,I believe that,heartbreak is a teacher that helps me become a better version of myself. If there are ways to improve myself. I learn about them. If you have an internal conflict or personal struggle,you confront it.If your past is haunting you,it comes up now to face you. I always tell myself, 'now is the opportunity to do the internal work,become a better version of yourself and be thankful for the lessons you have learned about yourself.'

So, here are the reasons why I miss about my old obese self ;-

1.Power

When it comes to power,being so fat gave me natural physical strength .Despite daily strength training I am nowhere near as powerful as I used to be.

2. Safety

When I was really so fat,my mom wouldn't have to worry much about me in public places because fat people are harder to kidnap. ( laughs )

3. Perspective

When I was so fat, I understood that most weight changes are fleeting and insignificant.At 98kg, I wore clothes forgiving enough to accommodate so i did not think much of it. I really miss the freedom I once had from noticing and observing over every single pound. As an obese girl, I experienced the world everyday in a body that was  judged, undervalued, demonised, mocked, feared, despised, depressed and avoided.Those awful experiences gave me more empathy,more character,more personality and a broader,richer and more inclusive perspective than lifelong thinness ever could have. I have a much more meaningful appreciation for my health and the body I have today and I sure as hell will never take it for granted.Not to mention the deep respect I automatically have for every person I meet who does not fit the (straight,middle-class,able-bodied) mold. 

4.Friendships

My larger body back then made it easier for my peers to let their guard down and be themselves. I felt less than when I was fat,I was way more forgiving and accommodating and I often edited myself for maximum social appeal.Friendships in my world today are more likely to feel peppered with insecurities.

5.Presence 

Finally,there is the weird disconnect between the size of me in my mind and the size of me,of my physical body,in the world.The 'ME' in my brain is big.My voice is big.My feelings are big.My attitude is big.Years ago,all that bigness was reflected in my body, fat and round,impossible to miss.Now, my personality and my body feel mismatched, like my mind is walking around in shoes several sizes too small.I miss feeling like cohesive whole.I miss inhabiting the grander space I once did.The thinner I get,the more in love I fall with the fat body I once had and with the girl I was before I lost my weight. I am the luckiest person I know, in large part because my personality and perspective were developed in the context of being a fat girl. My relationship to 'thin and pretty' is complicated.As a girl, I nurtured distaste for thin and pretty girl. I let myself imagine I was funnier,smarter and deeper than they were.That idea lifted me up just enough to keep me from drowning in the waves of criticism that were always crashing on my complicated little head.

Wouldn't you know it, years later, I am getting fitter and a little prettier than before ( hahahah, not self-praising) but i am still unhappy,still living from binge to binge and still going no where. Being pretty did not get me here.Sliding into the normal 'BMI' range did not get me here either, what got me here was changing how I treated myself every single day. Thin and pretty got me free drinks,free meals,more friends,but it never get me what this practice has given me ; freedom, genuine and true happiness. 

Lots of love,

ChingYee.