Yes,I have been on this weight-loss journey for three years and I'm still going on and I hope I reach my goal/destination soon. I did not expect I would have come this far. I used to weigh 98kg. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I never,ever exercised.Now I have lost more than half my body weight.Today, I am fit enough to run (though I usually choose not to. hahaha) and fit enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into slim fit jeans/pants ( though I usually wear super stretchy clothes). You might think that when I reflect on my 98kg self,it would be with disdain or pity. But, NO! As the days passed by,I really miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away.It may sound strange to some, but in this post,I include the reasons why I miss about my old obese self.
Living as a big girl in a skinny world is extremely difficult. Being a food lover,weight loss has always been challenging. It took a lot effort and commitment to lose weight. I have always been big size and that's okay. However, the bullying I have experienced as a result of my size has really taken a toll on my confidence.Over the years, I have learned to ignore the bullies and love my body but for some reason.One thing was clear, I had hit rock bottom and was in the worst place of my life that I could remember.
Fast forward to three years to where I am today. My pain (the bullies) has been educational. I feel things that are unfamiliar perhaps and likely that is why the experience is so scary and unsettling but I know much more about myself now than I ever did before.
Yes,my heart is broken,but in the process my mind opens,my feelings come out and even my spirituality awakens.Personally,I believe that,heartbreak is a teacher that helps me become a better version of myself. If there are ways to improve myself. I learn about them. If you have an internal conflict or personal struggle,you confront it.If your past is haunting you,it comes up now to face you. I always tell myself, 'now is the opportunity to do the internal work,become a better version of yourself and be thankful for the lessons you have learned about yourself.'
So, here are the reasons why I miss about my old obese self ;-
1.Power
When it comes to power,being so fat gave me natural physical strength .Despite daily strength training I am nowhere near as powerful as I used to be.
2. Safety
When I was really so fat,my mom wouldn't have to worry much about me in public places because fat people are harder to kidnap. ( laughs )
3. Perspective
When I was so fat, I understood that most weight changes are fleeting and insignificant.At 98kg, I wore clothes forgiving enough to accommodate so i did not think much of it. I really miss the freedom I once had from noticing and observing over every single pound. As an obese girl, I experienced the world everyday in a body that was judged, undervalued, demonised, mocked, feared, despised, depressed and avoided.Those awful experiences gave me more empathy,more character,more personality and a broader,richer and more inclusive perspective than lifelong thinness ever could have. I have a much more meaningful appreciation for my health and the body I have today and I sure as hell will never take it for granted.Not to mention the deep respect I automatically have for every person I meet who does not fit the (straight,middle-class,able-bodied) mold.
4.Friendships
My larger body back then made it easier for my peers to let their guard down and be themselves. I felt less than when I was fat,I was way more forgiving and accommodating and I often edited myself for maximum social appeal.Friendships in my world today are more likely to feel peppered with insecurities.
5.Presence
Finally,there is the weird disconnect between the size of me in my mind and the size of me,of my physical body,in the world.The 'ME' in my brain is big.My voice is big.My feelings are big.My attitude is big.Years ago,all that bigness was reflected in my body, fat and round,impossible to miss.Now, my personality and my body feel mismatched, like my mind is walking around in shoes several sizes too small.I miss feeling like cohesive whole.I miss inhabiting the grander space I once did.The thinner I get,the more in love I fall with the fat body I once had and with the girl I was before I lost my weight. I am the luckiest person I know, in large part because my personality and perspective were developed in the context of being a fat girl. My relationship to 'thin and pretty' is complicated.As a girl, I nurtured distaste for thin and pretty girl. I let myself imagine I was funnier,smarter and deeper than they were.That idea lifted me up just enough to keep me from drowning in the waves of criticism that were always crashing on my complicated little head.
Wouldn't you know it, years later, I am getting fitter and a little prettier than before ( hahahah, not self-praising) but i am still unhappy,still living from binge to binge and still going no where. Being pretty did not get me here.Sliding into the normal 'BMI' range did not get me here either, what got me here was changing how I treated myself every single day. Thin and pretty got me free drinks,free meals,more friends,but it never get me what this practice has given me ; freedom, genuine and true happiness.
Lots of love,
ChingYee.
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